if i should tumble, if i should fall, would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls? there's no one here at all, behind these castle walls.
all alone, that's how i feel right in this moment. Do you ever feel like when you have no one special/meaningful in life to share it with, then there is not a life to live? i am not sharing my life with anyone, and feel as though i am nothing but a shadow or a cold mist rising from a cold lake right before dawn. the day is darkest right before the sun rises perfectly explains my life right now. I know things will get better, but in the meantime, they're not. it's hard to keep your chin up and remain hopeful and faithful when you're life is shit. boys can eat shit. school can eat shit. and apartment you can eat shit too because i can't afford your beauty anymore. life is shit.
so if you've been keeping up w posts you already know how Jan. 14 changed my life forever and i will never be the same. i can heal and learn to look past the experience, but it will be with me forever. this past weekend was extremely challenging with good friends. i was originally going to attend a wedding on saturday evening with my good friends a, m and s. the night before the wedding s calls me in a frantic/screaming/crying voice. i immediately ask where she is because i was going to pick her up and bring her to my place. she was near me so although i jumped in my car a little drunk it was completely necessary because i thought s was being sexually assaulted. when she got in my car she told me that a person whose initial isn't even worth typing in took her home from the turf and got her to perform something on him. (i'm sure you can guess what that is) anyways, i asked if anything else happened and she said no. although it was important and necessary for me to pick s up at 3:30am in the morning, i did it because i thought she was sincerely in trouble and not just feeling guilty for cheating on her boyfriend. i live 3 blocks away, just walk here next time.
anyways, fast forward to sunday when i heard the other news. saturday at the wedding s became very intoxicated, which is pretty normal for her to do, and started to embarrass herself and the girls she was with. a and m decided that she needed to sleep it off somewhere and after consulting with the bride, they decided to send her home with the bride's cousin and the girls would get her later after the reception. while s was at this house, according to her, she blacked out and awoke with this guy, the bride's cousin, on top of her in bed. they were both partially clothed and he had his hand down her undies. she immediately freaked and ran out of the room, got dressed and called a. a didn't understand what was wrong because the bride informed her and m that this cousin was trustworthy and would take care of s. m was actually in the same house as s and the cousin. so a came to the house, picked both girls up and then brought them all back to fargo. s then proceeded to tell this story to myself, her parents, friends from fl, ex boyfriends and such. while talking to me she told me the entire story, and then decided that she was raped and needed to go to the hospital. while hearing this story i couldn't help but think of my own, jan. 14, and started to panic and get nervous. bam, back where i was this winter/spring. one story is all it took and i'm back to feeling nervous, paranoid and catching a raging case of insomnia once more.
this is the worst week to have all of this brought up. not only is it finals week, but i've been stressing because i haven't paid rent yet for december and am drowning in debt. i can't afford to eat, let alone get gas or buy any necessities for school. because of not getting any sleep/being paranoid as shit, my health has taken a toll and my relationships are slacking because of my bad attitude.
although i am happy i could help s with her troubles, i am feeling very upset and envious of her situation. she is telling everyone what happened and although we don't know if she was raped, a and i have been. this is not something you like to think about, all you want to do is forget. i have done a wonderful job of forgetting since january, but when this situation came up with s and she explained thoroughly of the happenings, i am brought right back in that dark place. i don't know how to dig myself out this time. i'm envious because when this happened to me, i didn't have anyone to turn to. my best friend didn't care and my roommate didn't believe me. i had no idea what to do and when i would sit in my room and cry all day long, not one of my roommates asked if i was ok. s is extremely fortunate that she has friends that care and know how to help her. i just wish i had someone to help me when i was going through my situation, because i didn't.
i wish with everything i had that i wasn't in this dark place anymore. i do realize that there are many people in this same dark place and trust me, i will find a match and light this baby on fire and we'll all get the hell outta here.
who in the hell can we trust in this world? no one. that is what i've learned if anything. always look out for #1 and the rest will fall into place. listen to the quote 'those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter'. live it. drop all of the negative things in your life, and learn to love and let go. it will take a while to forgive, trust me, i'm still learning. but some day things will all make sense. there is a reason for everything. until then, on your dark days say 'fuck it' and on your bright days live it.
i'll leave you with this quote that i'm learning to live by; 'dream as if you'll live forever, live like you'll die tomorrow.'
goodnight moon,
B
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