snagle tooth drunk bum with a lazy eye...and one testicle*

TOMORROW :))))))) WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. 2011 BABY.

not only is 11 my absolute favorite number, this year features 11/11/11. can't wait for that magical day. <3 SERIOUSLY peeps, next year, tomorrow, is going to be amazing, i can tell already.

you know how everyone has at least one horrible year of their life? well mine was 2010. hence the subject of this post...my life is cosiderable to a snagle toothdrunk bum with a lazy eye and only one testicle. it suckkkkkkkked. oh well, at least my horrible year is over. think i had all my life crisis's all wrapped up into 365 days so i am so fortunate to be done with all of those buggers.

2011 i predict will be something a little like this:

throwing my head back and laughing real happy,
falling in love and getting real sappy,
making amazing new buddys,
hoping that they aren't a bunch of duddy's.

packing up home and moving to colorado,
leaving my fargo life with nothing but a shadow,
landing a job within Target Corp. in HR,
if you shoot for the moon, you'll land amoung the stars..

greeting my family in walker quite often with a smile,
receiving a hug and staying a while.
going back to graduate school,
getting an education in HR is important, i'm no fool.

it's important stop to think,
make sure the dishes are clean in the sink.
put on some lip gloss, mascara on the lashes,
light up 2010, let it burn to ashes.

<3 <3 <3

this isn't the end.

we're just getting started. the road stretches on and on and on. we're moving again..

just some lyrics from one of my favorite songs 'you in the end' by matt hires. funny how a song can relate to an individual's circumstances so well. i know that in this moment, things aren't exactly what i had hoped they would be. i was upset and disappointed in myself and thought i should have to learn to discover and learn the consequences.

but i've learned that some situations/instances are out of our control. we can't blame ourselves for all of our failures when there are other factors involved in that failure. we need to give ourselves more credit.

as long as i know that a few negative factors contributed towards my feeling of disappointment, i know that i did everything i could in order to succeed. i am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason, and although you might not be able to see it right away, it will reveal itself in time and you will learn why that situation happened.

new years' is right around the corner, what will your resolution be? i think mine will be to be to realize that happiness comes from within and that the best things in life are laughter, happiness and love. there will be hard times and good times, but every time you must remember who you are and sincerely believe you are an amazing person to be as resilient as you are. with every negative load dropped onto your shoulders be sure to shake it off and step up, you will prevail.

on january 14th i'm planning on getting a tattoo on the left side of my ribs in a wild cursive type font. i'm debating on the quote but after discovering a small sign today randomly, i think i might go with 'love the life you live. live the life you love.' that quote really struck me and i want it to be written in another language. maybe german since it is my favorite language to speak.

goodnight moon,

b

i'm scared

the blank pages of my diary,

that i haven't touch since you left me,

the closed blinds in my home,

see no light or day,

dust gathers on my stereo,

cause i can't bear to hear the radio,

the piano sits in a shaded space,

with a picture of your face,

i'm scared to face another day,

cuz' the fear in me just wont go away,

in an instant,

you were gone,

and now i'm scared....

coffee stains on your favorite book,

reminds me of you so i can't look,

the magazines you left on the floor,

you wont need them anymore,

a towel left hanging on the wall,

no signs of wet footsteps in the hall,

there's no smell of your sweet cologne,

i'm lying here alone....

i'm scared to face another day,

casue the fear in me just wont go away,

in an instance,

you were gone,

and now i'm scared....

in an instance you were gone,

and now i'm scared....

what will it take to be good enough.

How can you let go of something that means so much to you?

So if you've been keeping up, T has not made such a great impression these past few weeks. Last night actually I received a text stating that he only likes us as 'friends', what a blow. I don't think I can pretend to be just friends with him. Maybe he should have not used me so much or even let me come over last friday night to his place. Maybe then I could have realized he wasn't a great person and could have learned to let go. But that is exactly the problem. He is a great person, always gets what he wants. In essance, he's me. I always get what I want. I work fuckin hard and always in the end i get what i want. In this instance however, the first time in my life, i can't win him over. i don't know what it is, but anything i try, it's just not good enough for him. it makes me upset because i should have listened to everyone else's opinion of him. no one has anything bad to say about T, i've just heard 'T is a player, watch out', and 'T isn't consistent with his girls' and 'T just uses people to get what he wants'. i chose not to believe these comments because we've been friends for years. little did i know that i would just end up to be another one of his projects. he dropped me yesterday. i was so upset i've never cried so hard. it's just the fact that i have a hard time trusting people now, and i thought since we've been friends for years i could trust him, i was wrong. it just makes me build up my walls even higher and the next person to come along is going to have to break through a lot of my shit to get to know the real me. it's hard because when i saw T tonight i kept telling myself, 'don't let him see how much you like him' and 'don't trust him, he's fucked you over so many times'. it just really hurts to know that someone who i consider close to me, doesn't consider me a good friend at all. what will it take? the worst feeling in the world is feeling not good enough, and that's exactly what i am to him.

love,

b girl

p.s. have a happy christmas

listen. learn. understand. the end.

'rape's not something where you go 'well, get over it' or 'believe in peace and love my child, and it'll all be over.' well fuck you, that isn't the answer. it's a great thought, OK, but you can go stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side i work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before i was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before.'

listen. learn. understand. the end.

'Everyone thinks that I have it all, but it's so empty living behind these castle walls..

if i should tumble, if i should fall, would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls? there's no one here at all, behind these castle walls.

all alone, that's how i feel right in this moment. Do you ever feel like when you have no one special/meaningful in life to share it with, then there is not a life to live? i am not sharing my life with anyone, and feel as though i am nothing but a shadow or a cold mist rising from a cold lake right before dawn. the day is darkest right before the sun rises perfectly explains my life right now. I know things will get better, but in the meantime, they're not. it's hard to keep your chin up and remain hopeful and faithful when you're life is shit. boys can eat shit. school can eat shit. and apartment you can eat shit too because i can't afford your beauty anymore. life is shit.

so if you've been keeping up w posts you already know how Jan. 14 changed my life forever and i will never be the same. i can heal and learn to look past the experience, but it will be with me forever. this past weekend was extremely challenging with good friends. i was originally going to attend a wedding on saturday evening with my good friends a, m and s. the night before the wedding s calls me in a frantic/screaming/crying voice. i immediately ask where she is because i was going to pick her up and bring her to my place. she was near me so although i jumped in my car a little drunk it was completely necessary because i thought s was being sexually assaulted. when she got in my car she told me that a person whose initial isn't even worth typing in took her home from the turf and got her to perform something on him. (i'm sure you can guess what that is) anyways, i asked if anything else happened and she said no. although it was important and necessary for me to pick s up at 3:30am in the morning, i did it because i thought she was sincerely in trouble and not just feeling guilty for cheating on her boyfriend. i live 3 blocks away, just walk here next time.

anyways, fast forward to sunday when i heard the other news. saturday at the wedding s became very intoxicated, which is pretty normal for her to do, and started to embarrass herself and the girls she was with. a and m decided that she needed to sleep it off somewhere and after consulting with the bride, they decided to send her home with the bride's cousin and the girls would get her later after the reception. while s was at this house, according to her, she blacked out and awoke with this guy, the bride's cousin, on top of her in bed. they were both partially clothed and he had his hand down her undies. she immediately freaked and ran out of the room, got dressed and called a. a didn't understand what was wrong because the bride informed her and m that this cousin was trustworthy and would take care of s. m was actually in the same house as s and the cousin. so a came to the house, picked both girls up and then brought them all back to fargo. s then proceeded to tell this story to myself, her parents, friends from fl, ex boyfriends and such. while talking to me she told me the entire story, and then decided that she was raped and needed to go to the hospital. while hearing this story i couldn't help but think of my own, jan. 14, and started to panic and get nervous. bam, back where i was this winter/spring. one story is all it took and i'm back to feeling nervous, paranoid and catching a raging case of insomnia once more.

this is the worst week to have all of this brought up. not only is it finals week, but i've been stressing because i haven't paid rent yet for december and am drowning in debt. i can't afford to eat, let alone get gas or buy any necessities for school. because of not getting any sleep/being paranoid as shit, my health has taken a toll and my relationships are slacking because of my bad attitude.

although i am happy i could help s with her troubles, i am feeling very upset and envious of her situation. she is telling everyone what happened and although we don't know if she was raped, a and i have been. this is not something you like to think about, all you want to do is forget. i have done a wonderful job of forgetting since january, but when this situation came up with s and she explained thoroughly of the happenings, i am brought right back in that dark place. i don't know how to dig myself out this time. i'm envious because when this happened to me, i didn't have anyone to turn to. my best friend didn't care and my roommate didn't believe me. i had no idea what to do and when i would sit in my room and cry all day long, not one of my roommates asked if i was ok. s is extremely fortunate that she has friends that care and know how to help her. i just wish i had someone to help me when i was going through my situation, because i didn't.

i wish with everything i had that i wasn't in this dark place anymore. i do realize that there are many people in this same dark place and trust me, i will find a match and light this baby on fire and we'll all get the hell outta here.

who in the hell can we trust in this world? no one. that is what i've learned if anything. always look out for #1 and the rest will fall into place. listen to the quote 'those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter'. live it. drop all of the negative things in your life, and learn to love and let go. it will take a while to forgive, trust me, i'm still learning. but some day things will all make sense. there is a reason for everything. until then, on your dark days say 'fuck it' and on your bright days live it.

i'll leave you with this quote that i'm learning to live by; 'dream as if you'll live forever, live like you'll die tomorrow.'

goodnight moon,

B

i'm falling, i've fallen for you..

have you ever felt like you trusted someone to keep your heart all nice and warm/fuzzy?

well you should be more careful on who you let borrow the key to your heart. i borrowed mine out to a friend who i was falling for. well guess what? i've fallen. i've fallen face first into the icy pavement. and guess who wasn't there to catch me? a boy named T. yes, same T as before. T, the very intelligent, good looking, gentlemen who everyone can't help but fall in love with. i've fallen pretty hard, and am having troubles standing up again.

my heart hurts. and there's no cure. all i want is for T to make an effort and let me know that he likes me too. i know that he doesn't want a relationship, which means i shouldn't have even spent time with him. that is all i see when i talk to him or spend time with him. i can actually see this relationship going somewhere. and this is the first time that the guy doesn't want me back. i have had my fair share of rejections, mind you, but i've never been rejected by someone who had been interested in me in the beginning. why did you do this to me..i've never felt so used.

this message is for T:

T, it was great while it lasted. best month and a half i've ever had and i dont regret anything. i'll remember the memories and good times we've shared. just please take one thing from this message; please please treat the next girl better than you treated me. she deserves better than this. be present. let her know what you want upfront, even if it means that she'll leave you. be honest and fair. you treated me well while it lasted. don't leave when she thinks she has a grip on you. i wish you nothing but the best. wish the best was me, but i will be alright. good night and good luck.

B

neve never never quit (?

have you ever felt like you trusted someone to keep your heart all nice and warm/fuzzy?

Have I had too much of a good thing?

"Hello everyone, I am a compulsive addictor to....boys. Yes that is what you heard, I have an addiction to attractive hot men. Man hunting is my #1 hobby and I do it quite often. Always looking for the hottest, nicest, most intelligent, you name it. I would rather flirt with hot men all day than work, go to school, shop, hell even eat. Well, please don't judge but that is my addiction."

"Welcome B. We will help you fight this addiction"

I wish. I need to attend an addictions course, but I'm pretty sure they don't make anything for men addictions. I think they call those girls whores, but I am not a whore thank you very much. I look and sometimes touch and pretty much always kiss (at least! come on..) but I will not skank out for a good looking chum. ;) Keep that in line ladies, no skanking out if you want to be taken seriously.

So here is my serious problem--> I've just been introduced to a wonderful guy...I know what you're thinking, 'What about T??' Well T can suck it cause I don't deal with Mr. Ignoring come get me type of boys. I need to be chased, otherwise I tend to loose interest. If T starts a' chasing maybe we'll talk, but until then, I'm on the prowel.

So this new character's name is JB we'll call him. Met him through my friend C. C is a good friend and said he wanted to set me up with JB. I was hesitant and said 'please no one too dousche-y..' haha. I didn't know who this guy was. Anyways, do you ever just meet someone and you think, 'wow this seems too good to be true'? He seems very normal, graduated in 09' w zoology and chemistry (impressive, that's what I thought too) and is currently pursuing a CFA. WOW is all I can say. First off, I melt for attractive graduated guys..they've already met a great goal and I love to see how determined/persistant a guy is when looking for a new job to satisfy his career. I think this is the best time I could have met him too. Fresh out of a relash this spring..enough time to get over it..and because he's looking for a new job, who's to say he isn't looking for a new girl? haha. Well maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm meeting up with him tomorrow for labby's mug night hopefully..he'll just have to call me first. Ahhh my hearts on fire right now with all of these great potential guys <3 I feel like I'm on the bachelorette and have many boyfriends and now all I need to do is narrow it down the the right one. JB, will you accept this rose?

xoxo

Bgirly

Should have know you were trouble from the first kiss..

So there's this guy. We'll call him T, for confidentiality reasons of course you understand. We have been friends since Freshman year back in 06'. That's quite a long time in college years..anywho T and I have been great friends since as long as I can remember. Over this past year T has become very friendly and always seems curious as to what I'm up to, and wants to hang out with me. Finally when I caved in this summer and thought 'hell, why not?' then T happened to stumble upon Miss ND..no worries though, the only dated for a few months. This Miss beautiful was then sadly dumped by T. :) hehe her trash is my freakin treasure.

Anyways, over the past few weeks T and I have been spending some time together. My favorite times with T were just laying around my apartment buzzin while drawing stars and ufo's on each other's arms. Then the night came when I met up with him at Dempsey's. He held my hand that night and didn't leave my side. We hopped around town to Rooter's, and then the OB. By the end of the night we started walking to his apartment, he conveniently lives downtown..while there we drank some more and he took me to his kitchen. I sat up on his window ledge overlooking downtown, such a beautiful sight of the city. T was in one of his smart rants regarding molecular biology and other sciences I don't understand. He looked so adorable in that moment, I'll never forget it. I grabed him by the shirt, pulled him close and kissed him. It was the most sensual kiss I have ever experienced. T has such soft lips and knows exactly how to use a little tongue to make the kiss sexier. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew I woke up next to him in bed the morning after. I was turned away from him and he had his arm on my side. I immediately thought, 'what kind of mistake did I just make?'

T put my concerns to rest however, such a gentleman he is. He asked me to stay in bed all afternoon, cuddle and snooze. There's nothing I wanted more in that moment. Since then we've spent some more time together, it's been nice seeing how our friendship has progressed into something more.

However, when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. I don't know if I did something wrong or offensive? T has been ignoring me, and when I contact him he's 'busy' or 'working on homework'...there's only so many times I can be turned down before I loose interest T, watch your step. The last time we were together was Friday, so it's been only five days, but still...if I don't see him within the next few days I'm going to try really hard to forget everything and go back to the way it is.

I hope he doesn't make me forget, I don't want to. I want to remember every touch, kiss, smile and laugh. Whenever I want something so much, it tends to not work out. Why is this! It frustrates me very much.

Here's a shout out to T 'Hey Boy, get your shit together. Ask me on a date, preferably not to get drinks at a bar with all of our friends. Ask me to a nice restaurant, hold my hand, be the gentleman that I know you are. That is all. Oh, and Kiss me Goodnight'

B