Weird Timing..

So I participated in my traditional Wednesday night activity last night, which is playing in a dart tourney, and it was really fun!

well we didn't win any games, of course, but we had fun losing. (:

Anyways, usually after the game we head downtown just to hang out with the locals, curlers and darters are usually out. This guy in a neon green bright construction jacket came up and started chatting with me. I immediately like him, I mean the coat was pretty sweet, if I had one I'd wear it out to the bars too.. his name is T and he grew up in Iowa and his parents live in Walker now. He's 23 and really attractive(; So anyways, he asked me on a date last night! So he's picking me up today and I have no idea what we're going to do but it's exciting!! I haven't been on a legit first date with someone in.......2 years I think. Wow. That's pretty lame haha

Wish me luck, I am a little rusty with dating etiquette :s

love you always,

B

Leavin on a Jet Plane..

I'm MOVING TODAY!!! woo-hoooo-ey(:

Back to Fargo I shall go! Or South Fargo to be exact..

Love you all have a great Tuesday, I know I will!

Bgirl

love me

I want to cuddle and kiss and be lovey dovey with a boy right now. ughhhhhhhhhh you are so dumb C. too bad you are too involved with yourself to even let someone love you! dummy. have a loney life. if you change your mind i'll be here to kiss, but i wont be dating ya, sorry.

xoxo

B

Honoring all of my loves..AH, MH, AK, CM, CN, FA, EW, AH...you know who you are(;

The (before, and) Afters

Studying in the library has never been so fun! haha. It's not that fun, but I must say the studying for Art exams are more entertaining than studying for something like chemistry, or god forbid Principles of Finance.

It's quite an enjoyable day listening to music and looking at pictures of art on my little love Mac. Mona Lisa is quite boring....but the other art is very inspiring. Inspiring me to do my most beloved hobby, write(:

Listening to great pandora little treats and discovering new art through my art class really gets me in the mood to write I must say. It's an artist named 'The Afters' Never going back to ok has really got me in a great mood. I love this artist, like on the same level as a Dairy Queen treat right now.

Side note, I have not had a single Dairy Queen treat since I don't know when....hrmmmm...no wonder why I'm not feeling so hot these days..

love and kisses, have a great thursday

Bgirl

withdrawal station, how may i help you?

going through withdrawals....of anxiety medication. shitty. it's finals week at NDSU, I have 6 more exams to finish by Friday. and i'm out of fucking lorazepam. why not get more you ask? because i have no money, cannot afford more anxiety medication #1, and #2 i would rather not get addicted thank you very much. i have one more refill on this prescription, and i want to save it for something bigger than finals week.

ughhh shitty school. it will all be worth it in the end however. the light at the tunnel is there...it's just i wont be able to step out of this tunnel until June 12th...just in time for my fabulous birthday. (: so i'm keeping my chin up, the sun will come out tomorrow.

love,

B

Keep Calm and Carry On*

I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt, but can still look at you and smile; the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I can't brighten my own.

Accidental Love*

Today was an amazing day, it really was. I got to spend a short while with a good friend of mine, actually two friends of mine. Once the day was done, I got in my car to drive the 35 miles back home and the song 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri came on the radio instantly when I put the key in the ignition. (:

'I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more. All along I believed I would find you' <3

I Love you Casey. (Note, this is the first and only time I will use a full name in any of my blog entries. This is how important this person means to me)

You could do nothing wrong in my eyes to make me stop loving you. You've rekindled my spirit back to life, and I'll be thankful for all my years, thankful to you. You may not know how wonderful you are; you are warm, kind, loving, sympathetic, handsome, and above all else noble. I could only hope some day to marry such a person. I will love you until the day I die, Casey. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.

love you forever and always,

B

Motivate yourself to study BITCH!!

you there! get your ass off the fuckin couch right now. put down the Klondike bar and listen. (i'm pretty much talking to myself right now since I don't have a friend roommate who will make me listen)

you are smarter than you think, and prettier too. who cares if you haven't washed your hair in 3 days?? you still showered and washed your hoo-hoo, you are a nice clean smelling individual. besides that, since you are a little stressed out, you've been eating less..which is a concern since your ass is deflating a little bit..eat more chicken nuggets, that's a priority, with lots of mayo. your love handles are deflating a little, but come on, starvation is hard to do, and it kind of turns you into a bitch. and you need your love handles for love making in the future, hard to believe right now, but a time will come when you need a little bit of handle for....whatever you know. Make sure to keep brushing your teeth, it's important. don't let nasty yellow sweaters to start growing on your chompers. it's all about the hygiene lady!! keep it clean.

be on your best behavior. ladies who are stressed about school are not so much fun to be around. get your sleep, eat your veggies and drink your water. don't let yourself get sick. only the week get sick, like freshman. (sorry girls, you really don't know how to handle finals week until your really a Junior. keep your head up....outta that toilet. stop partying so much, k thanks.)

Besides that, I dunno how else you're gonna relieve some stress. Unless you have a boy/boyfriend you can use for sex whenever/wherever you want. I heard some nasty stories about people doing the dirty in study rooms at the library. It wasn't me, but trust me, I'm thinking now....spring semester finals week...boom.

Now, go to sleep soon. set your alarm to wake up early tomorrow at 6am. don't be a pansy ass! you have a test due online by 8am, give yourself extra time and take a nap after.

YOU HAVE 12 DAYS TO COMPLETE 7 EXAMS AND ACE THEM!

Ready, Break! =(:

Love you, get your shit ready and done girrrrrrrrl!

B.lady.classy.girly.graduate.material.diplomaaaaaaa!

Nothing's Lovlier than You..

Every fucking thing is lovlier than you. haha Fuck Fuck Fuck. Someone told me yesterday I say Fuck to much, but I don't really fuckin think so.

But really, everything is annoying me today. Especially logging onto facebook and seeing that some of my girlfriends have status's like 'oh he's mad at me', 'i'm not good enough for him', 'please take me back'. This shit is annoying ladies. There is a reason your guy is feeding you these lame ass lines if your reactions are like this.

You gotta grab life by the balls and just say fuck em. It doesn't matter if you offend somebody, or stand up for yourself if your boyfriend is being a dousche bag. Ladies, please stand up for yourself, who else is going to?

If you're in an abusive relationship, get the FUCK out. There are resources you can use if you are scared for your safety, but nothing is as bad as staying with the mother fucker. Get Even. Get Out. Make him regret ever trying to hurt you, or break your heart.

Break my heart and I'll break your face,

Bgirl

p.s. Happy Thursday, love you all (:

Take a Shot for Me*

Song by Drake, titled 'Take a Shot for Me', makes me think of relationships with boys. Whether they are your friends or more, it is fun to drink with boys. (I haven't drank with boys in a while and I'm just taking a trip down memory lane)

I'll list my favorite drinking buddies guy wise...

T is beyond fun to drink with. He is a wise ass, and it is so fun shooting shit back at him. It amuses him, and then he gets playful. The smartest man's weakness is a strong shot of whiskey(: Love dumbing them down to my level and poking fun at T, he is cute.

B is not fun to drink with. He gets out of control and likes to punch things. Once this past spring he got into a fight and he broke a guy's jaw and broke his hand in two places. He's a scary drunk:s

C is awful to drink with. He would get drunk and scope out the cutest girl in the room and try to take her home. If that girl was me we'd have fun haha, many times he'd come to my apartment after drinking at the bar.

A is really great to drink with. He is Mr. Flirty and compliments the shit out of you. But don't let him get too drunk, he'll tell the whole room you slept with him and then it can get pretty awkward, even if he says you're a 'great lay!' haha

N is not fun to be around in general, so when he gets drunk it's pretty annoying. N is an ex of mine and we dated for 3.5 years, so he thinks he still 'has' me? He's an assbag and is very rude and disrespectful when he drinks. Ughhh don't even like thinking about it.

CJ is really fun to be around. What can I say, I've always had a crush on CJ. He's a wonderful person, and he deserves all good things in this world. Thinking about him just brings a smile to my face. I'm very grateful for our friendship and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I have stronger feelings for him. He gets very lovey when he drinks and I love it. I remember the first time we drank together I thought, I really like this guy, I don't know who he is, but damn he's a cutie. He's given me rides home from the Turf in the past too. Great, great guy.

Well that's all I feel like talking about with this subject. This song just made me think of drinking with some of my guy friends and this is what came out of it.

Happy Tuesday,

xxoxx

B

Goodbye, great knowin ya!

C. Flaa is a piece of work let me tell you. He and I have come to an agreement to no longer speak to each other since we're not getting along. Sounds great I said, I'd love to not talk to you anymore, in fact I don't really want to see you again, so this is goodbye. And he agreed, deleted and blocked me from facebook, and I deleted all texts and phone numbers from him out of my phone. Let's see how long it takes him to call me, I give it a month max. Keep you up to speed, I'll let you know when he starts talking.

*Fella's this is what happens when you are a FUCKING douschebag and no girl wants to date you. You should probably re-evaluate some things and then maybe we can like ya again. Good luck.

To all of the men out there that don't deserve their women, go fuck yourself. happy holidays all(:

xxoxx

B. Girl

.the accidental discovery of something great.

maybe i'm blind, maybe i'm blind

i couldn't see you shine and shimmer

right in front of my eyes, front of my eyes..

thought i saw light, it was a faded mirror,

just a dim reflection, but

you shine so much brighter...

honey let me sing you a song

listen to my words as they come out wrong

don't run away this time.

honey let me look in your eyes

open them one at a time,

but don't look away this time.

open your mind, and let your beauty flow like wine,

but please don't leave me outside,

honey i'll try to hold you like the

starry skies we lie beneath tonight

you shine so much brighter..

honey let me look in your eyes,

but don't look away this time..

honey let me sing you a song,

listen to my words as they come out wrong,

don't run away this time.

don't look away this time.

Love you (T) you deserve more than you know.

B

Don't piss me off right before bedtime please. F You (not you, You! ;)

Love in hopeless Place

A Stranger's kindness can really brighten your whole day.

This post is a shout out to my new friend C.J. (running out of C's here!) whom I met while needing a smile recently. He not only put a smile on my face, but had me laughing and kind of re-sparked something in me. Passion maybe? I'm feeling very good and almost as if I'm capable of anything today! (Even though I write to you while wearing pajamas in bed haha).

He reminded me without even telling, that when you're passionate about something, like a career field, stick to it. If it's something you want bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. Just need a little nudge every once in a while to continue on with your journey until you reach your destination.

Well I'm off to eat some breakfast at 11:48 a.m. this almost afternoon, and to start my day. (:

Good day, and Good luck

B

*With a little help from my friends

Ever got yourself into a pickle? Yeah....it's pretty easy to do in a state like Minnesota. Follow the link, find out information, and support one of my friends who has always had my back. Anybody got yours?


http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=245462318843052

*If the link doesn't work google 'Free the Butcher' Together we can make change! (:

'Bad Bad (Ex) Girlfriend..'

'My Girlfriend's a dick magnet, she's gotta have it.
She's hot, can't stop,
Up on stage doing shots.

Dirty girl, getting down, dance for guys..
Grab her ass, acting tough, mess with her, she'll fuck you up.

no one really knows ..

she likes to shake her ass, grinds it to the beat.
she likes to pull my hair..
she's naughty till the end.
she knows what she is, no doubt about it she's a bad, bad (EX Girlfriend).

See you later back at home...know one really knows..
(Is) she coming back to my place tonight (?)

No one really know's just how far she's gonna go..
Gonna find out later tonight.

She likes to shake her ass...
She's naughty till the end,
She know's what she is, no doubt about it she's a bad, bad (EX) Girlfriend.

We'll have the time of our lives....

My (EX) Girlfriend...is a dick magnet...
She's gotta have it (She'll get what she wants).

she's a gold digging, pretty bitch,
future's fading, look around all i see,
no good bad and ugly....

she likes to shake her ass, grinds it to the beat..
like's to pull my hair..

she's naughty till the (end)..

know's what she is, no doubt about it she's a (Smart), (Smart), (Ex) Girlfriend.


*Props to 'Theory of A Deadman' for the inspiration.
**Guys, treat your ladies right. If you don't, she can choose to be your EX Girlfriend (;

Love you bitches,

Bgirl

'Right now I wish you were here..'

What I'd do to have you near.
Come back soon.
I wish you were here.
Miss you.

love you always,

B

Havin a Good Day....(;

The early bird gets the worm..

Who is on time? Is anyone on time anymore? Where are all the punctual people???

Well, I dunno if you're looking at one. (Or reading about one rather)

I'm trying to be more punctual because I'm finding it to be disrespectful of people when they waste/take up too much of your time. I mean it's great to spend time with people, and I wish that I could spend more with them, but I have a lot going on too. There's work, school, family, many other things to worry about/work on.

Sorry for the rant, just on my mind at this late hour.

Goodnight my lovers,

B

Waiting for Forever...

As I was looking at recent news on fb tonight, I ran across a friend of mine from college's new wedding website. I couldn't help but be happy for her, but couldn't help but wonder, when will it be my time...? I know they say it'll happen when you're ready and 'you just know', but sometimes it feels so far off that it's a little discouraging. I mean, every little girl's dream is to grow up and have a beautiful wedding that all her family and friends are in attendance. I don't know if it's just me, but I've been preparing/looking forward my wedding all my life, now just waiting on 'the one'. Trust me, I'll be patient and wait until it's my turn, but I can't help but hope it's sooner than I think. It's so wonderful to have many of my friends getting engaged, married and having their first children, but I also can't help but wish it was me too...

keeping(!) the hope and faith,

Bgirl

Relationship Rules..

3 main rules in relationships:

Don't Lie, Don't Cheat, and Don't make promises you can't keep.

...life...

life...such a difficult thing for some to understand. what matters most to you? is it your material possessions that can easily be taken from you, or is it something more, something that no one can take from you no matter how hard they try? Something that most don't understand matter, something they can't even touch or see.

for me, the latter means most. being a very private person, i value things that cannot be seen by the human eye. those things are a certain feeling, certain scents, certain places that bring me back to the happiest times of my life. although i don't think a person is happy their whole life, people tend to make certain choices in order to obtain happiness. those choices we make are what life is all about. do we want to help those who need it the most, or are we going to let the moment pass and choose ourselves...

choose to be different. choose to be caring and helpful, to the best of your ability. if you choose to be yourself and to help others become the best they can be, you have achieved great success. more success than the richest of men, the most beautiful of women, and more than the average person can accomplish in a lifetime.

for if you try your hardest to accomplish these things, there is no better life to lead.

b girl

hugs & kisses & love

i love sleep, my life has a tendency to fall apart when i'm awake, you know?

Ernest Hemingway knew what he was talking about. sometimes i feel like without sleep i turn into someone kinda crazy...we'll call the crazy side of me blanca..(because i was called this once in spanish class and i hated it)..

anytime i start to feel sad i tend to look at my friend A's fb page. she is so optimistic about things and i strive to be somewhat like her. she is a world traveler and such a sweetheart. if i'm ever known for something i hope i'm known for being a caring sweetheart that travels a bit to accomplish good things...that seems good enough for me. :)

traveling makes me happy, since when you travel you are displaced from your sense of comfort and it's good to be uncomfortable every day to get a broader sense of your surroundings.

i don't know where i'm going, but i promise it wont be boring..

loves and kisses,

B

Great days need to come around more often

why hello there friends. how are you doing today? i'm great too, thanks for asking:) today is just a good day, for no rhyme or reason...these days i wish would come around more often. maybe it's because i got a lot of sleep last night, that's probably it. i don't get a lot of sleep normally, so when i do i feel like i'm on cloud 9. this is a great cloud to be on, it's like a normal natural high that can't be achieved by taking medication.

anyways, i'm very much looking forward to this week since i am going to fargo on wednesday, tomorrow, until friday. i have a lot of appointments to make that i made, meet with advisors, meet with a potential landlord and see an apartment i adore...all good things coming my way this week. also on friday i'm excited to drive back because i'm stopping in nevis to hang out with my friend R. not quite sure what we're doing yet, but i know it'll be fun since he's fun person to be around. i'll probably want to just chill and watch a movie, and he'll probably be down for that since he's such an easy-going person. i like hanging out with him...

anything else on my agenda? hmmmm..also going to hang out with some fargo friends i guess! a bunch of students are really busy this week so i wont get to see them all, but i'm guessing a surprise visit to the turf will uncover a lot of them say around midnight when the library closes:) haha i'm sneaky.

anyway hope you all have a great week! maybe i'll post some things from fargo..not sure yet though. i'll be staying with my sister E, and we'll probably be chill most of the week besides fun trips to big top bingo or something haha

peace and loves,

B

This feeling needs to go away...or maybe not..

Do you ever feel like too much of a good thing is bad? Well what if too much of a good thing is actually good..i mean what if the good thing you have going includes not spending any money, it's simply spending time with the people you love. and what if the one person you love the most doesn't even know? this is a hard feeling to have...i know now what it's like to feel invisible..not good!

I know it's a silly thing to be frustrated about but it really kind of makes me sad:( it's a single person making me feel all of these emotions and they don't even know that they get under my skin! uggghhh. just wish this person knew more than they do, i'm just afraid to tell them..and it's not good to be afraid of something i know, but when you can lose something so easily, you're more careful with it. i'm afraid if i tell this person how i feel, than i'll lose anything that we could have had.

i'm going to watch my steps carefully, but i'll be sure to leave footprints if that makes sense...

blairy

Pessimism is out...OPTI-misim is in....fuck that

i feel like this blog title should be an OPI nail color and nothing else haha.

well let me fill you bloggies in, the ones that actually read and are awesome (hint hint my dear friend A, who i could not live without). if you don't read, i don't really care anymore..

i had the most opportune time of being admitted into a health institution these last 8 days..boy lemme tell you, it was a blast in a glass! haha not really, but it was a much needed move and i'm glad my parents suggested i go. i've learned a lot; how to accept things about myself, how to let things go, how to flush out the bad things in my life in the most polite way possible, how to be patient, how to relieve stress in positive ways, and how to be a better listener and how to eat healthier! HOW did i learn all this in 8 days you say?? well when you are diagnosed with a scary sounding mood disorder, anything is possible. i will have this mood disorder for life, but i am learning to manage the outbreaks and will have to be medicated for life. i am grateful that the disorder i have is mixed and is not the most serious stage of bp. bp is the name of the mood disorder, i just don't feel comfortable typing or saying it out loud yet. i'm still a very private person, but i'm learning that in order to get better sometimes you have to talk about it.

other than that bomb of a disaster that's taken up a lot of time i have a lot of things to deal with still. do i want to be in school this semester still? do i want to work full time and get benefits? do i still want to move out in january? there's a lot of unknowns right now, but i'm really glad and grateful to have come to the root of some of the biggest emotional problems because deep down you have to take care of yourself first, and everything else comes second.

i love you all, and thanks for listening.

xoxo,

Bgirl

Sunshine follows every storm and breaks the dark of every night..

why hello there. b girl is back! i kind of checked out of life for a while, but no worries i am recovered and am very happy with the person i'm becoming. i am currently living at home with my parents, which i am really grateful for, and am taking online classes while working part time at a bank. slowly i am getting back into my normal life/routine.

i am so grateful for life right now. i have a wonderful family who cares about my well being so much, friends who are so understanding, and i'm really happy with where i'm at right now. i'm learning that good things come to those who wait, and am being very patient and trying to be better with my studies and work ethic.

this second chance at life is the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm so glad that an intervention is exactly what i needed to get my life back on track. smiling ear to ear:))

xoxo

b girl

love at first sight?

do you ever sometimes think that maybe you made a decision too fast?

have you followed your heart before your head and inner instincts?

i'm feeling uncertain about a decision i've just made. i've been talking a lot with D, and have spent the last five days with him, and believe me, i haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long while. this weekend he asked me to be only his, and i honestly couldn't resist his charm. he is very sweet and sincere and i became captivated with him the moment we met once again after the first. i'm very attracted to him and very much enjoy spending time with him. from friday until today, wednesday, we've spent every day together and he's been staying at my apartment. it's been really nice and i loved coming home every day to a smile and kiss from D. just thinking about it makes my heart melt:)

how can someone fall so fast? is it normal to feel so strongly about someone in such a short period of time?

it scares me how much i like D. the reason it scares me is because it puts me in a vulnerable position and i'm more likely to get hurt because i have such strong feelings for him. i just need to chill the fuck out! geeze

goodnight and good luck

B

Miss you now and forever C

For the past few weeks I haven't been able to help myself from thinking, 'What happened to my relationship with C?" I have never mentioned C in a post, but thought it was time to share the story of how a perfect stranger changed my life.

It was about a couple of months after. Just got back from spring break and was feeling ok again. I went out with a couple of friends to the bar, and before I knew it, I locked eyes with the cutest brown eyed boy I'd ever had laid eyes upon. Lucky for me, he was a friend of a friend, so it wouldn't be so awkward when I got up the courage to go talk to him. Before I talked to C, I told my girl S that my goal for the night was to kiss the cute brown eyed boy. (If you know me when I make a goal, I usually exceed them..sometimes not always a good thing) The next thing I knew C had taken a seat next to me, and I couldn't help but not breathe and just stare at him. Honest to god, I've never been so attracted to someone in my life. He started chatting with me and kept giving me the 'eyes'...you know the 'you're kinda cute' kind of eyes. I was so excited to finally have a crush on someone again! That night I followed C around town and ended up going over to his friend A's to hang out some more. On the drive over his car was so packed that I had to sit on his lap (well there was probably room in the back, but I felt like getting cozy;) while his friend drove. There was an instant attraction and such chemistry with C right from the beginning I knew it was only a matter of time until things progressed. During the car ride C turned my cheek and started kissing me. Just thinking about our first kiss gives me goosebumps. After that first night we were hanging out all the time, and I just loved being around him. I had felt like he was the first thing I was happy about and looked forward to every day I spent with him after the incident.

We spent much of the spring together and a little of summer, although he got a new girlfriend and he didn't spend much time with me anymore. During the fall, he and his girlfriend broke up and then we started spending time together again just before he moved away for school in the fall. Now that it's winter, we barely see each other at all. Maybe once a month if we're lucky. It makes me very sad to think that someone so important to me has become very distant. We talk on the phone sometimes and text more, but it just feels empty now that he is no longer here. The time that we do spend together he seems preoccupied and busy, so it hurts to know that he just doesn't care anymore.

He said this fall that he wished we weren't such great friends because if he married me, he knew he'd be happy every day for the rest of his life. When he told me that I couldn't help but cry on the other end of the phone. For it was in that moment that I realized, I somehow lost the best thing I ever had.

.jar of hearts.

no i can't take one more step towards you

cause all that's waiting is regret.

don't you know that i'm not your ghost anymore

lost the love i loved the most.

i learned to live half alive

and now you want me one more time.

who do you think you are

running around leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul.

so don't come back for me

who do you think you are?

i hear you're asking all around

if i am anywhere to be found

but i have grown too strong

to ever fall back in your arms.

i learned to live half alive

and now you want me one more time.

who do you think you are

running around leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back from me

who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright.

remember how to put back the light in my eyes.

i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed.

cause you broke all your promises.

and now you're back.

you're hoping to get me back.

who do you think you are?

running around leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

don't come back at all

who do you think you are

running around leaving scars

collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul

so don't come back for me

don't come back at all

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are??

field service lube technician

what the fuck. really fargo? the only jobs you have available are things like field service lube technicians and tractor trailer delivery drivers?

i would rather be a stripper at the norther. just saying. i don't really know what a service lube technician does, but it sounds messy and like a lot of work and i do not want anything to do with that.

just because north dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country doesn't really mean much when there's only a few hundred thousand people living in the state and there aren't many different jobs to choose from.

why am i talking about this? well i lost my job on tuesday and if i don't want to freaking drive my car down to the red river and continue to drive into the river because my life is shit right now, then i better get my fuckin shizz together. starting with finding a job. then finding classes to take for the semester. then figure out my finances. then figure out my debt to income. then figure out what to have for dinner. geeze life is tough sometimes. i'm just gonna leave it at those because there is soooo much more that i just cannot disclose in this blog for personal reasons. AKA don't want my frans that follow this blog to know. even though it's just you 2, you know who you are, i just don't really wanna say it out loud. so forgive me.

anyways, life is shit and then you die so lets all get high. but really, all i wanna do is find the rainbow after the storm and smell the fresh raindrops dripping from the leaves of a nice tall oak and just stop and think 'damn life is good' while sipping away at a nice raspberry chai latte while holding the hand of someone i love. but it's hard to realize that i don't know if that fantasy is in my cards. i know that you have to keep faith that things will get better, but when will they? it's been a year, but in all reality this year has felt like it lasted 5 years. every day seems to last a month or longer, especially when insomnia was a nice little treat that i got last spring. oh well, i just need to learn to take the bad with the good, and to just really pay attention to the good things in life. wish me luck, i think i'll need it.

love you much,

xxxxx (only gettin kisses tonight)

B

let it be. it is what it is.

do you ever feel like the whole world is crumbling to pieces around you, but you feel ok about it? that everyone you know feels like you're a burden to them and all you do is cause more problems for everybody? What about, the things you want most in life are so far from reach you don't know what to do to make yourself happy anymore? well, why don't you just give up. what is there to live for. what is everyone so goddamn happy about. why does happiness exist. does anyone even really give a shit about life and happiness?

why can't people just leave you alone when you wanna be alone. if i wanna be depressed and mad as shit, why can't you just let me. i don't need to be happy all the time and i am completely ok with it. it's fine with me if you wanna be all happy and shit, but don't drag people into your ray of fucking sunshine. JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE. seriously. leave me alone. let me be. all i want is to be left alone. please and thank you much.

love

b

'catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day..'

Finally i can write my first optimistic and meaningful post for the new year. i wanted to wait until i had something good and positive to say, and boy do i have news.

1. school is going to work after all. there are so many options i never thought about and after meeting with my advisor this afternoon, he totally made me understand that my diploma is very close to being handed to me. so comforting!

2. jobs; this new internship is quite awesome. :) i love that they're so busy and they give me everything that they don't have time to do, even if it's way over my head, i love being challenged and not really know what i'm doing. what can i say i am quite the bullshitter haha.

3. family; miss them so much. E is finally back to fargo and it makes me so happy. we're going to hang out tonight after the bachelor and catch that movie the black swan. this weekend i'm going to Osseo to have a late Christmas with my family on my mom's side on saturday. on friday however i'm going to see my hs friend C and she's going to dye my hair a dark chestnutty color, can't wait! she's excited too because she is graduating soon from Aveda Institute and needs all the practice she can get. after that i hope to catch up with my bestie M and maybe grab a couple drinks somewhere. it will be a great weekend.:)

4. boys/men/potentials; there's this new guy...i know what you're thinking. really B!? you were just cheated on how many weeks ago? yes that's right, about 2. i understand, and yes everyone, i will take things verrrrrry slow. his name is M and wow is all i can say. In a quick summary of what i've discovered so far he is very genuine, sweet, caring, funny, intelligent and my personal fave shy and seems kinda dorky (which is perfect because i am a huge nerd lol). He is extremely busy, even more than me, so this could actually work maybe. we've hung out a couple of times since meeting new years eve weekend. the first time we got together he picked me up and brought me to the impound lot. !. haha so he knows already that i'm very stubborn, and get really upset over stupid situations that are sooo not my fault. he's completely understanding and just such a sweetie. we got together again on friday and went to the turf, my absolute favorite classroom at NDSU. just to let you know, it's the bar. this classroom has a booth that even has my name written on it with a sharpie, and M actually sat down in my booth before i got there. think it's a sign? anyways, while we were chit chatting at the turf we talked about a bunch of things and there was never an awkward lull or moment of silence the whole time. he has this amazing thing he does when he seems impressed or surprised, he tilts his head down and looks up with his eyes and gets the fuckin cutest smile on his face. ahhhh makes my heart melt like butter sliding down a piece of my favorite toast; cinnamon sugar with icing on top. here's to hoping that M is a sincerely nice guy who wont hurt me like all the other a holes who have.

well that's all the news i have right now...wish me luck in all my endeavours coming up soon.

see you on the flipside,

bGirl

XxXXxX (big, little, big big, little and another big kiss to you from me!)